After several days of scattered snowstorms, my world is a glittery fluffy landscape. It’s bitterly cold this morning as I type to you, but I’m snuggled up in my favorite chair by the lit-and-sparkling Christmas tree while dreaming of passionate, pleasurable things.
There are suddenly a handful of lovers from the past, and possible lovers for the near future, swirling around me in a flirtatious dance that is making me giddy with yearning for more. To what I owe this sudden and long-wanted attention, I have no idea, but I’m enjoying every minute of it.
There’s Daniel (a pseudonym – these men are real, but I’ve changed their names) – a successful, artistic older man who suckled me in his car under the lamplight on our first date, who is wooing me again with an invitation to be savored in the warm sheets of a beautiful nearby B&B. With Daniel, there is always champagne and chocolates and sometimes a surprise gift of lacy lingerie.
There’s Gavin, my age, who gives his whole self to everything he does; including his two exhausting make-ends-meet jobs and making love to me. The one time we’ve been together intimately, I was overcome with emotion when he held my hands tightly the entire time he was inside me. He’s not a suckling lover, to my dismay, but he is by far my favorite kisser on this list. And his hands do always find their way inside my racy bra when his mouth is pressed to mine.
Then there are the new boys we’ll call The Breeders. I haven’t yet met either Joaquin or Richard, but they are men drawn to me by my desire to conceive and their desire to be the reason that I might.
Joaquin is Jamaican and built like you’d expect a virile Jamaican to be. He’s a successful man in the arts, like Daniel. He’s a breast lover, no doubt, though there have been no discussions of suckling yet. Joaquin wants to meet for a glass of wine to see if we have chemistry and compatibility for baby making. My desire to be a mother is stronger than ever and it draws this man to me – and me to him – like a moth to a flame.
Richard is a tall, handsome Wall Street executive with children of his own who he deeply adores and sees his offer of sperm donation as a philanthropic endeavor. Our talking together is fun but professional. He would be agreeable to natural insemination, if that is my preference, but leaves that up to me. Yet, Richard, in all his reserved and respectful sweetness when discussing the possibility of this conception coupling is starting to show his sensual side little by little. He’s starting to slip cautiously into what I can tell is a deeply-rooted desire for sharing his seed the way nature intended. Yes, he sincerely wants to donate to help an older single woman like me have a family, but he clearly also wants to feel his seed pleasing and penetrating my warm cervix walls. He’s just not allowing himself to say it like that yet. Hearing him slowing giving in to his true desires is keeping me riveted.
These men are all very enticing in their own special ways, whether I have yet experienced their sensual, sexual sides or not.
But here is the downside of these dashing partners, no matter the reason we may play.
None of them intend to stay.
Alas, that has been a typical limitation of the men I meet. When I find a man who shares my desires, he does not also want to share his life, his heart and his home with me.
Daniel travels 5 days out of 7 and is strongly opposed to having (or making) more children. He is happy with the occasional sexy romps that allow him his freedom after finally leaving a difficult marriage.
Gavin is unbelievably loving and attentive in bed, but when away from my physical presence he is kind but non-committal and often aloof. He finds himself intoxicated by lust and longing when next to my body, but he has made it clear he doesn’t want to date or be exclusive.
My connections with Joaquin and Richard are based solely on the possibility of helping me be a single mother and Richard….well, Richard is happily married and intends to stay that way. He claims that his wife is definitely OK with him helping me conceive, as they also helped a friend of hers do the same nearly 10 years ago…but a woman can never quite know if that is really true when it’s only the husband she is talking to.
Ah, poor Ru, right? Nah, it’s OK. These lovely playmates and candidates are all very kind to me and help bring my cravings to life. I adore them for that, I really do.
If there is a Prince Charming for me out there somewhere, perhaps he will find me eventually. Though I stopped waiting for him years ago.
Right or wrong, a life without love AND desire is no life for me. So I enjoy my share of the latter, with the loving men who keep slipping away.